Edit wiki/books-resources.md — Connection & Community Playbook

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# books & resources

not an exhaustive list — just the ones worth your time, that I've actually read and used.

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## tier 1: read these first

### supercommunicators — charles duhigg (2024)
the core idea: every conversation is one of three types — practical ("what's this about?"), emotional ("how do we feel?"), or social ("who are we?"). most miscommunication happens when people are having different types of conversations simultaneously.

**key takeaway:** before trying to solve someone's problem, figure out if they're asking for help or asking to be heard. matching the conversation type is more important than having the right answer.

### the 2-hour cocktail party — nick gray (2022)
a step-by-step formula for hosting gatherings that build your network. the core insight: most people don't host because they think it has to be perfect. this is the most practical guide to [[building-community|building community]] through hosting. nick's format is deliberately low-effort — no cooking, 2-hour hard stop, structured [[icebreakers]], name tags.

**the formula:**
- monday, tuesday, or wednesday evening (less competition for attendance)
- 2-hour hard stop (creates urgency, makes it easy to commit)
- no cooking — just drinks and snacks
- name tags for everyone
- structured icebreaker at the 30-minute mark
- invite 2x more people than you want to show up

**key takeaway:** hosting is a learnable skill with a repeatable formula. the most immediately actionable book on this list.

### the mom test — rob fitzpatrick (2013)
technically about customer interviews for startups, but the principles apply to every conversation. the core rule: never tell someone your idea and ask if they like it. instead, ask about their life and let the truth emerge.

**key principles:**
- talk about their life, not your idea
- ask about specifics in the past, not generics about the future
- listen more than you talk
- "would you use this?" is a useless question. "when's the last time you dealt with this problem?" is gold.

**key takeaway:** most conversations fail because people ask bad questions. good questions are about behavior, not opinions.

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## tier 2: go deeper

### never eat alone — keith ferrazzi (2005, updated 2014)
the bible of relationship-building for ambitious people. ferrazzi's central argument: your network is your net worth, and the way to build one is through generosity, not transactionalism.

**key concepts:**
- the relationship action plan: systematically identify who you want to know and find ways to add value first
- "pinging": regular, lightweight touchpoints (a relevant article, a congratulations note) — see [[relationship-maintenance]] for a modern system
- conference behavior: arrive early, stay late, follow up within 24 hours

**caveat:** heavy hustle-culture energy. filter for the structural advice and ignore the motivational filler.

### how to win friends and influence people — dale carnegie (1936)
90 years old and still the foundation. the core principles: become genuinely interested in other people, be a good listener, talk in terms of the other person's interests, make the other person feel important sincerely.

the meta-lesson: focus outward, not inward. most social anxiety comes from self-focus. shifting attention to the other person solves 80% of it.

### the art of gathering — priya parker (2018)
the most thoughtful book on why most [[event-formats|events]] fail. parker's argument: gatherings fail because hosts don't make choices.

**key principles:**
- decide why you're gathering before anything else. "because we always do" is not a reason.
- over-specify the purpose: "a dinner party" is vague. "a dinner for six people navigating career transitions" creates connection.
- close the door: who you exclude defines the gathering as much as who you include.
- don't be a "chill host" — people need structure and permission, not a blank canvas.

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## articles & blog posts

### [intentionally making close friends — neel nanda](https://www.neelnanda.io/blog/43-making-friends)
the single best blog post on making friends as an adult. key frameworks:
- **hits-based approach:** meet many people, filter quickly, invest deeply in the ones that click
- **recursive curiosity:** ask open-ended questions, notice what excites you, follow up on that specific thing 3-4 times until you're in novel territory
- **strategic vulnerability:** share small vulnerabilities throughout the conversation, not one big disclosure
- **systematic follow-up:** get contact info, reach out within days, use a spreadsheet to track touch frequency

the meta-insight: making friends is a skill, not a trait. you can get better at it through deliberate practice.

### the double opt-in intro — various
the gold standard for [[introductions]]. before introducing two people, ask both if they'd like to be introduced. include context about why. never blind-cc someone into a connection they didn't ask for.

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## what not to read

**most "networking" books** — they frame relationships as transactions and optimize for quantity over quality. if the advice boils down to "collect business cards," skip it. for building connections in digital spaces, see [[online-community]].

**anything that promises "instant charisma"** — charisma is a byproduct of genuine interest in other people, confidence from competence, and presence. there's no hack.