Edit wiki/relationship-repair.md — Work Reflections

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# relationship repair

deliberate strategies for fixing friction with teammates. not avoiding conflict — resolving it.

## the one-on-one walk

at a neurotech startup, i deliberately repaired relationships with two teammates who initially seemed annoying. the strategy: intentional one-on-one walks.

walks work because:
- you're side-by-side, not face-to-face (less confrontational)
- the change of scenery lowers defenses (see [[zooming-out]])
- walking pace creates natural pauses — no pressure to fill silence
- it signals investment — you're spending time specifically on this person

the key word is *deliberate*. these weren't accidental encounters. i identified friction, decided to address it, and created opportunities for connection.

## express, don't demand

from a team experience: "best path is to just tell them how i'm feeling, don't ask for anything, and just keep working" (see [[feedback-and-honesty]]).

the instinct is to demand change: "you need to do X differently." but that creates defensiveness. the alternative: share your experience without asking for anything. "i felt X when Y happened." then keep working. often, the other person adjusts on their own.

## suspicion is poison

suspicion makes team dynamics cooked. once you start assuming ill will, every action confirms your bias. the fix: "assume no ill will, assume fighting own battle" (see [[team-dynamics]]).

## when repair isn't possible

"picking the right people is very important, working with people you don't vibe with is tiring." sometimes the issue isn't fixable through repair — it's a fundamental mismatch. recognizing when to invest in repair vs. when to move on is its own skill.