Gottman on Marriage

Category: Social

The root of marriage is real, deep friendship. Not just getting along. Root friendship. Best friends.

Positive overload - Have so many positive emotions in your relationship that your problems are small compared to the size of the good things that you feel for each other.

Difference between complaint and criticism: do we attribute a problem to some aspect of the person in question, or do we just treat it as an action isolated from their identity?

We color our memories of the past with the current nature of our feelings. Couples who are in a happy relationship emphasize the high points of the history of their relationship and treat the low points as great obstacles they overcame together. Unhappy couples treat history with a more critical eye, emphasizing problems and unhappy moments.

We always ‘remember’ with the present in mind. Memories are given context from our current state. Retrieval actually changes the memory that was encoded.

The love map! Have a super-detailed map of your friend/partner’s mental space. What are their worries, doubts, desires, ambitions? Who are their friends and enemies? Know as much as possible about your partner’s current social world, physical experiences, day-to-day troubles and excitements. Know what they love, intimately.

Fondness for your partner. Admiration of your partner. Best test of these is asking about the past.

Predicting Divorce

John Gottman’s at 91% accuracy - in 91 percent of cases he’s predicted marriage failure and success correctly, based not off of intuitions but off of data. This is data driven.

Most marriage counseling and therapy is intuition focused, not data driven. This give Gottman a massive advantage.

Building an emotionally intelligent marriage - a dynamic that keeps negative thoughts and feelings (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive thoughts and feelings.

Love Map

Fondness and Admiration

Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away

Let Your Partner Influence You

Two Kinds of Marital Conflict

Solve Solvable Problems

Coping with Typical Solvable Problems

Overcome Gridlock

Create Shared Meaning

Source: Original Google Doc